if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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