So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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