my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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