one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
