Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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