dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize