Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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