made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
