they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
