Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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