mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
