Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
