you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
