I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
