So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
