if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
