Your face is a jimmy john
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
