You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
