I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
