I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Pooping to opera.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
