my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
