I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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