No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
