WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
