We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
