life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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