I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
