I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
