Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
