Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
