I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
