i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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