So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
