I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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