help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
