I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
