I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
