I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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