also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
