I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
