Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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