Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
