you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
