We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
