The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
