Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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