brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
