I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
