So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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