I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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