My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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