Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
