I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
