Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
