This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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