I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just want nice things and good sex
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How does it feel to date your dad?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
