he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
