Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
