Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
