i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
