end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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