There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
