I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
