I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She just used a chaser for red wine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
