I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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