I think I won the penis lottery.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
