just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
